Apology

Have you ever felt an uneasy, persistent and a burning desire to apologize but didn’t know whom to apologize? That is the place I find myself in frequently off late and today I could not contain anymore and I don’t know what to do about it. 

Apologies are not pretty things. They are not easy to deal with. If it comes easily, most likely it does not mean anything. It takes a lot from you to gather the courage to accept that you were not good enough, that you didn’t have it in you in the first place, that you broke the trust bestowed on you, worse still you were not trustworthy. Yet, there is no one who can say all these things to you and you stumbled upon this state of mind all by yourself. Is this a realization of your worth? Or is it merely an acceptance of failure? Which one is more painful? How to come out of it? 

Sometimes, I wish there was an authoritative figure, whom I could scream by apology to, swear my apology at him to my heart’s content, and he in turn would punch me so hard that it hurts physically, that I don’t have it in me to apologize, that whatever I did was not something an apology could account for, that I’m taking an easy way out like I always was, that my introspection was not sincere, that I never was what I assumed I was, that I better come off this façade, that I better get back to being the unremarkable simpleton that I was always destined to be. I could do that. It comes to me easily.

I tried to apologize to myself. It was easy. It didn’t do me any good. I didn’t forgive myself. I don’t know how to react. I did not feel unburdened, nor did I feel bitter. It was an uneasy act, done in a haste which felt superficial. I could not take the excuses, for that was all I had. I had to account for everyone I have let down. Still, after all I haven’t done, they will suffocate me with their positive intentions. They will tell me that I was naïve, which I was anything but. They tell me I just needed a break. They tell me I was not over, no one is over ever. I can take a beating, but not their hope. I was not enough to do that. It didn’t feel right. I was not the right choice. I didn’t have a clue. I wander. I apologize for coming across their paths. Is that all I could do?

I was never the fellow who had dreams in his eyes, wanted to touch the stars and a vision of where he wanted to be in terms of anything, but the last few months of my life had even the harshest critic of my life – I – pitying me. I prayed to be let off this ordeal. I wish all this outrage meant something to me.

I APOLOGIZE.